.
why is everything so fucking depressing? LIKE EVERYTHING. I fucking try but I can't help but feel fucking sad and angry at everything and everyone. it's like I blame people for the things that I should've done and haven't done and it's like. I don't know what I'm living for you know. I'm just passing the fuck by. my life is fucking passing me by. I don't even feel present in my own body and my own life sometimes. I try to control things and I just mess things up even more. I feel like I have fucking ocd or some shit cause this isn't fucking normal. no one else obsesses over stupid things as much as I do. I'm just this obsessive compulsive piece of shit and nobody even has THE SLIGHTEST idea of what goes up in my head.
god.
fuck me seriously
okay. here we go. I have to go to school in two days and I'm actually kinda happy because when I'm in that fucking place AT LEAST IM NOT DEPRESSED. I don't know. it's just I can't live with myself for more than two weeks I'm literally incapable of handling my own presence I just make myself sick.
boy this is too much.
damn
real damn you know
the thing is nobody even reads here so I don't care I guess
you know once I had this superass blog it was about some band n shit n it's just I was so cool. and stupid. I was such an idiot but I guess people like the idiot more cause I had like tons of friends there n shit.
I used to have lots of ppl around me. on the net. I still do but they're just.
not that close you know.
whatever.
you know since we're here I wanna rant about a cpl of things.
you know since this is my fucking blog and I don't give half a fuck what anyone thinks I'm fucking SICK !!! and tIREd because this mindfucking cycle just keeps going the fuck on, it's basically mE. hating myself, like for every unrelated thing that id ever fucking done.
AND GUESS WHAT THE FUCK ?? I have konkur this year !! yeah right !! grew up too fucking fast I guess. I don't even know how the past 3/4 years fucking passed I was just fucking depressed the whole time and doing some unrelated shit to make myself feel better and there was just no point in them.
you know i'm fucking disgusting. I'm basically one of the top students in our fucking class, and I never even consider that fact when I'm ranting about my life. hell I never felt good about it. about anything. about my fucking exams that I always fucking get 22 in or my fucking I don't even know. you know what? the thing is, like the mOst important fucking test in my life is in one year and I have no idea what I'm gonna do and I have zero confidence and I DONT EVEN KNOW why I should TRY. it's like, I don't even like medicine or pharmacy or some shit. it's just.
I do you know. I fucking do. but that's not the fucking problem right now. the problem is I'm scared of giving credits to myself for my work because I think it'd make me arrogant or some shit and it will make me you know too proud of myself or whatever so I just basically stop myself from feeling good about the things I do because I think it's gonna make me fail other things in the future AND THAT IS LITERALLY !!! RIDICULOUS
you guys have no idea. I suck. really. it's this thing I keep fucking myself on and it doesn't even result in anything.
it's like nothing's ever good enough for me. I'm always looking for fucking flaws in everything let alone myself. WHAT DO YOU FUCKING EXPECT. seriously.
fuck
fuck me really
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